


the last dream of my soul

by insomniaks (effervescently)



Category: Captain America (Movies), Marvel Cinematic Universe, The Avengers (Marvel Movies)
Genre: Character Death, Everyone Needs A Hug, I'm Sorry, M/M, Terminal Illnesses
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-08-19
Updated: 2014-08-19
Packaged: 2018-02-13 19:51:13
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,012
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2163036
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/effervescently/pseuds/insomniaks
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Bucky was a constant in Steve's life. He was there when they were growing up, he was by his side in the Howling Commandos and in his thoughts after he fell.</p>
<p>Steve was there when Bruce brought back Bucky's blood test and sat them down, but the floor went out under their feet anyways.</p>
            </blockquote>





	the last dream of my soul

**Author's Note:**

> The song I listened to while writing was You by Keaton Henson (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=f2fCcggNkTs)

Bucky was a constant in Steve's life. He was there when they were growing up, he was by his side in the Howling Commandos and in his thoughts after he fell.

 

James Buchanan Barnes was the only thought in his head in the months it took him and Sam to track Bucky down, and Steve was there when Tony brought the best therapists to help his best friend, and afterwards Tony didn't blink an eye when they told him they'd rather share a floor.

 

Steve was there when Bucky joined the Avengers.

They fought together, they trained together and promised to do so forever, in sickness and in health, for better or worse one gorgeous day in June.

 

Steve was there when Bucky ran out of breath during sparring.

Steve was there when his results kept getting worse.

 

Steve was there when Bruce brought back Bucky's blood test and sat them down, but the floor went out under their feet anyways.

 

Steve was there when Tony staggered into their living room, smelling of liquor, and begged for forgiveness.

 

"I didn't know, you gotta believe me. Please, just..If I'd known, I'd, I'd have said "To hell with national security!" and I'd spend all of my money, I wouldn't sleep until I fixed your arm. I am so sorry."

 

"I know. It's okay." Bucky said and hugged him. It was awkward because they had his left arm removed in an emergency procedure, but he didn't care so he just gripped more tightly with his right arm, his only arm.

Tony sobbed into his shoulder and Bucky just nodded and kept repeating.

 

"It's okay. It's okay. It really is."

 

Steve was there when Bruce said there was nothing they could do because Bucky's arm had been poisoning him for years, with the source of radiation so close to his heart.

 

Steve was there when they started experimental chemotherapy, and when Bucky's hair started falling out in chunks and when there was nothing to hold back as he vomited everything he put into his body and Steve could do nothing but rub his back reassuringly, fingers catching in the notches of Bucky's spine.

 

Steve was there when the Avengers visited - Natasha and Bucky murmured in Russian, small smiles shared over fond memories. Clint tried to ease the tension with humor and made them laugh over tracksuit mobsters in his apartment building. Thor was solemn, paying respects to a mighty warrior, a hero.

 

Bruce was always there, a steady, calm presence, filled with relentless optimism.

 

And then there was Tony, a furious ball of desperation, always bringing home new experimental medication, and "Have you heard of this new superhero - they say he can cure anything!"

 

 

Steve was there when they stopped chemo and the only machines in Bucky's room were there to monitor his heartbeat.

 

Bucky was physically a shadow of his former self, his skin pale and gaunt, the shadows under his eyes worse even than those from his Winter Soldier days.

He was dozing, but as soon as Steve entered the room he was completely alert.

 

"Hey." His voice was barely more than a whisper that passed through cracked lips.

"Hey."

 

Steve made for the chair but Bucky patted the free space on his bed, a small smile playing on his lips. Steve brushed his fingers over Bucky's face, checking for signs of fever (none today, thank God) and pressed a kiss to his forehead.

 

"How come you asked for me, Buck? You should be sleeping. You need your strength - you're gonna be fighting villains in no time."

 

He took Bucky's hand in his, bony fingers trembling as he intertwined them.

 

"Sure I will. I just wanted to see you, you know. One last kiss before my ship sails."

 

Steve suddenly found it hard to breathe.

 

"Don't be stupid, Buck. You'll see me again."

 

Bucky's eyes fluttered closed and he shook his head.

 

"No, I won't. But it's okay. I got more than any man ought to get."

 

His eyes opened, and for a moment he was that young flirt again, eyes gleaming silver as he smiled at Steve and just looked at him. Like he was savoring every detail, committing it to his memory. Steve clutched at his hand like a drowning man.

 

"I got to spend my life with the one I love, twice."

A sob escaped Steve's chest and he kissed Bucky, desperately. His lips were dry and cracked and his mouth tasted acidic, but he didn't care.

 

Bucky's face was wet when he moved away.

"You are the love of my life, James Buchanan Barnes. " Steve couldn't finish the rest of his thoughts because his breath hitched. He wanted to say it was a privilege to know him and love him, that he loved him with enough force to fill two lifetimes and more.

 

Bucky didn't reply but his fingers played with Steve's wedding ring, identical to the one Bucky now wore on his right ring finger. 'Til the end of the line inscribed on the inside where only they could see.

 

"I'm so tired," Bucky murmured. His eyes were heavy-lidded, his breath slow and labored.

 

If hearts could break, that would be the moment Steve's started cracking.

 

"Shh. It's alright, love. Rest. Just promise me you'll dream of something beautiful, okay?"

 

Steve tried to smile but his face wouldn't cooperate, producing a grimace that reflected what he felt. He couldn't bring himself to lie.

 

Bucky just looked at him - old and young and weary and impossibly beautiful and impossibly sad - and closed his eyes, his grip on Steve's hand tightening.

 

"I always dream of you, Stevie." Bucky murmured before falling asleep, his lips stretching in a tiny smile. He was being brave when Steve couldn't be.

Steve squeezed his hand but Bucky didn't respond, his hand completely still in Steve's grip.

 

His world shattered.

 

Steve's chest tightened, and he couldn't breathe, just couldn't, because his body refused to function in a world without Bucky.

 

Steve knew, even before the machines started beeping, that James Buchanan Barnes wouldn't wake again.

 

 

**Author's Note:**

> Title from quote by Will Herondale, in Cassie Clare's Infernal Devices:
> 
> “You are not the last dream of my soul. You are the first dream, the only dream I ever was unable to stop myself from dreaming. You are the first dream of my soul, and from that dream I hope will come all other dreams, a lifetime’s worth.”


End file.
